I grew up in a family of all girls, so a lot of times, I feel unprepared as a boy mom. On social media, I recently shared a meme that had “Protect Your Daughter” crossed off and replaced by “Educate Your Son.” Educating my son is a huge responsibility.
But how do I want to educate my son?
My son is a very touchy-feely person. He is not afraid to go up to random strangers and give them hugs. It’s cute now because he’s still so young. I want him to continue to be a lover, not a fighter. I want to teach him to respect girls and women, to respect boundaries, and to stop when someone says “no” or “please stop doing that.” However, I also want him to be able to stick up for himself when needed.
Dealing with his first bully at school
Recently my son kept telling me he didn’t want to do the Lunch Bunch program at his preschool. He was so excited originally, so I was really confused. At first I thought maybe it was because it was too hot or windy outside. Because that’s what he told me.
But then I managed to get him to confess that a boy in his class had been making fun of him. On some days, he’ll wear an adjustable monkey or a rainbow-colored leopard mask. They were gifts from a friend, and I chose the rainbow one because my son has an affinity towards rainbows at the moment. They’re so bright and colorful – can you blame him?
Those masks are Ty-branded and designed with the familiar Beanie Boo characters (did Beanie Babies rebrand themselves to be Beanie Boos?). Apparently that boy in school was making fun of my son for wearing babyish-looking masks. I was expecting to hear this happening in third grade. Not preschool.
I told my son that he has to make a choice. He can either continue to wear those masks to school and not care what others think. If someone makes fun of him, he should boldly say, “I like it! Leave me alone!” Even louder if he continues to tease him, so his teachers can hear him.
Or he can choose to only wear those masks outside of school. That way, he can avoid any bullying but still enjoy what he loves to wear at home.
I was secretly hoping he would be brave. But he is my son, and I am not surprised that he chose the latter option. When I was a kid, all I wanted was to fit in with my peers.
Dealing with gender stereotypes in clothing
My son recently asked me if I could buy him a purple sweater out of the blue. I warned him that if I buy it for him and he wears it to school, there could be a risk that he would be teased again. I’m so used to buying blue, red, and black clothing for my son. The request for purple completely threw me off.
I already knew that it was going to be very difficult for me to find a solid colored purple sweater in the boys’ section at any store. I could shop in the girls’ section, but with my luck, it would have a princess or a unicorn on it. Not that it would matter, but I don’t think my son has a particular preference for those things.
Fortunately I found a website called Primary.com.
Here is what is stated on their “About Us” page:
Years ago, when we were shopping for our own kids’ clothing, we found a lot of things that didn’t make sense:
Pink for girls, blue for boys. Quality only if you spend a fortune. And slogans on everything, telling kids who they are, and what they should be.
So we built a brand that rewrote the rules:
Every color for every kid. With no labels and no slogans. Super soft and sustainable fabrics, for clothes that all play together. And all backed by the kind of customer service you thought didn’t exist.
How amazing is that?!
If little boys want to wear purple and love rainbows, I think we should let them.
Fearing that my son will grow up to be violent
I also want to teach my son that violence is not the answer. He should first try to use his words, to learn how to communicate his emotions and feelings.
Not too long ago, my son aggressively attacked me. It caught me by surprise. Why is my sweet son acting this way?
A bit of it is my own fault. He was playing with the neighborhood kids across the street and was having so much fun. I gave him a 5 minute warning. Once the 5 minutes were up, I told him it was time to go home because I needed to start cooking dinner. For the first time, my son completely ignored me.
I kept trying to convince him that we needed to go home. He kept ignoring me. Finally I got so frustrated that I picked him up and dragged him home, kicking and screaming. That used to work when he was younger. I would soon learn that I should’ve handled the situation differently.
As soon as we got home, my hot-tempered son was so angry at me that he came charging at me. I kept pleading at him to stop, but he wouldn’t. Finally I had to get my husband involved. I’m so grateful that, because of COVID-19, he has been working from home.
My husband pinned him down to the floor until he calmed down. Once my son finally calmed down, my husband asked him if he wanted a hug. My son whimpered “yes,” and they embraced.
Finally we diverted his attention and asked him if he wanted to play a video game for a little bit. Some people may criticize us for doing that, but at the moment, that’s what popped into our heads as a possible solution. The video game is not violent. It’s called Sack Boy and is similar to Super Mario Brothers but for the PlayStation 5.
He played for about 5 minutes, decided he was done, and turned the TV off. It turns out that all he needed was a diversion. To defuse the ticking bomb that was my son.
Since that incident, I’ve learned how to effectively communicate with my son so that he’ll listen to me. He doesn’t always comply, but he usually does. I know he’s at the age when he’s constantly going to be testing our boundaries.
Video games and the effects of them on children make me anxious. My husband loves video games and often plays them in front of my son. How much exposure is too much exposure?
Technology has advanced so much since my childhood. Screen time and video games, particularly for young boys, seem to be inevitable. As long as we, as parents, monitor the content and limit the amount of time spent on those devices, I’m hopeful that my son will turn out fine.
My son loves superheroes and pretending to be one. Spider-Man is his current favorite. He’ll motion his hand at you and say, “Pew, pew, pew.” I’m not really sure what he’s trying to do. Pretend as though he’s throwing a spiderweb at me?
I’ve also caught him throwing punches into the air at his school’s playground. “He doesn’t try to hit other kids, right?” I asked one of the teachers. She reassured me that he doesn’t. Maybe he’s trying to mimic his dad. We have a punching bag in our garage, and his dad would often use it to relieve stress when gyms closed down at the beginning of the pandemic.
My husband, who has a background in martial arts, is determined to teach my son how to fight when he’s a little older. He thinks it’s important for him to learn how to defend himself, just in case. If my son was being bullied at school and the bully began hitting him, my husband would prefer that my son stick up for himself rather than be a pushover. Even if that meant getting in trouble from school. Again, I feel clueless as to how to parent because I’ve never experienced bullying as a girl when I was a kid. I’m going to have to trust my husband and his experience growing up in school as a boy.
Final thoughts
As a boy mom, all I can do is shower him with love and pray for him. Teach him that it’s acceptable to express all of his emotions, including sadness and anger, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Educate him that he should try to use his words first to resolve conflict, but if he needs to defend himself, he may just need to fight. I want him to respect his elders and to respect girls and women. I hope he grows up knowing to support his female peers but to also reach for his dreams.
