At the end of every day, usually over a dinner I quickly scramble together, my husband and I ask our two girls: “What was the hardest part of your day? What was the best part?” The answers are raw and honest and I love hearing what they have to say. It’s often one of the ways we can get our daughters to talk about what’s truly on their minds besides the typical “Good. Fine. Okay” responses.

So I thought I would ask those questions of myself as a parent. What is the hardest part of parenting? What is the best part? I sat with these questions for a long time, trying to truly look deeply within my heart to find the answer. These answers are unique to me and my experience as a mother. But they are as real and as authentic as I could get.

The hardest Part For Me is the Exhaustion.

It’s always been the exhaustion. From the first signs of pregnancy to even now that my daughters are a little older, it’s the way I always feel tired that I seem to struggle with the most.

My days start early when two little balls of energy fling themselves into my bed at 6 a.m. while I’m usually fast asleep. I’d like to stay fast asleep, but I can’t when my seven-year-old already has about a billion questions that she needs answered immediately.

I had difficult pregnancies. My body felt as though it was remolded and remade into a new sort of unfamiliar substance. I came out of my two pregnancies with a pinched nerve, umbilical hernia, aching hips, sore lower back, postpartum depression, and a dislocated tailbone. I’ve had many therapies and doctor appointments to correct what was undone.

The funny thing is that I would do it all over again if it meant birthing the two tiny humans I’ve created.

Now, I’m a Stay-at-Home Mom Trying to Parent During a Global Pandemic.

I know working mothers have it no easier, and we are both just plain tired. For me, it stems from the way my body and my mind are forever in the hands of my children. I am their world right now. My days are focused on them, although I know this will be less so as they get older.

At this time, I am still jumped on, my body squished between tiny fingers. I am called out to in the middle of the night, I am constantly “on” as I try to navigate the right decisions to make during this uncertain time of Covid. It often feels so overwhelming, so full, so much. I am their chef, their driver, their accountant, their playmate, their nurse. I seem to hold their little lives in my hands and the crushing pressure of it sometimes becomes too much.

This is the truth of motherhood.

But There are Beautiful Moments Inside All of the Chaos.

The best part of parenthood is that I am surrounded by unconditional love. It is unequivocally given and received. I will always have two human beings that I created and that I love with every inch of my heart. As babies, I loved their cuddles, as toddlers their little hands in mine, and as young children their snuggles with their heads held crested just beneath the nook of my chin.

I am in constant awe of their individual personalities and likes, their interests and areas where they shine.

My oldest loves to build and draw and her creations always amaze me. She tinkers with the piano and has a few melodies she can play. She has more energy than I know what to do with and is all legs as she kicks a soccer ball across the field. Usually she falls while doing it, but she always, always gets back up.

I love her.

My four-year old is soft and sweet, and her kindness shines through in epic ways. She is gentle with our dog and hamster, she gives them hugs and kisses and exudes love. Her imagination is spectacular and the worlds she becomes lost in are always full of exciting realms and places. She dances and sings, performing her ballerina twirls with surprising grace.

I love her.

The Hardest Job

And I am honored to be their mother, even though it is the hardest job I’ve ever loved.