(Trigger Warning:  This article discusses miscarriage and the emotion and physical impacts.)

1 in 25

I didn’t know you could miscarry after having multiple healthy pregnancies. Does that make me naive? Ignorant?

I feel like I should have known, or at least been told about my 5% chance. Actually a little less than 5%.

It affects every 1 in 25 women, so technically… it’s less than 4%.  It’s kind of dismissed as being labeled a “nonviable pregnancy”.

Nonviable Pregnancy

Women who have given birth to healthy, full term babies are told not to worry about. Like itty-bitty fine print at the bottom of your Target receipt. No one really bothers to worry about it. It’s nothing. Until your toaster oven explodes.

It’s nothing-

until your OB tells you that your third baby is a nonviable pregnancy.

*cue exploding toaster oven.

It’s crazy how different you can feel, day to day, hour to hour. I felt like I had been punished with 31 days filled with guilt, prayer and loss for being so confident of my body’s ability to have as many children as I desired.

Harder Than I Could Imagine

This miscarriage had challenged me in more ways that I have ever imagined.  I really took my body for granted and the universes gave me a hard check on that.

There were so many emotions, questions, and breakdowns.

I felt completely out of my zone and I know my children began to notice too.

Mom’s don’t fall, Mom’s pick up and dust off.

How am I going to repair myself through this?

I felt like sinking because my body was at war with my heart- and no one could have prepared me for that type of loss.

Everything is on Fire

I was 6 weeks, 4 days when I miscarried at home.

You never really realize just how big of a challenge something is, until you find yourself actually going through it, just struggling through the motions of it all. I know for myself, I seriously underestimated just how much of a mental fight this would all be. A spontaneous abortion is no joke.

No shame at all when admitting this, but- the pain of it all, the physical pain of an active miscarriage, I’ll never be able to put those feeling into words.

I read on Pinterest that pregnancy loss is the closest we will physically get to death without dying. Death has just inhabited our bodies and now we must force ourselves into labor to expel the remnants of life out.

*deletes Pinterest app*

Unfortunately, early loss has this taboo tag associated with it because it is what it is- a miscarriage before 12 weeks, and “technically” that doesn’t make it a real baby.

Yet… Enter guilt. Guilt and shame for grieving for something no one knew existed in the first place. No one knew!  But 6 weeks was still enough time to make the impact of this loss a heavy one to carry.  6 weeks is pregnant enough to start making plans for the future. Like…

Maybe we should put our two older boys in bunk beds.

Will I still be able to make it to our planned family lake trip next summer?

6 weeks is pregnant enough to feel the emptiness of your, “what if”.

6 weeks is pregnant.

And then, you’re just not.

Yet, despite what logic and science tells us, OF COURSE I know there’s nothing I did to cause this. But the facts actually don’t make this all any easier to face. And sweeping this under a rug, acting like it never happened, while still tempting-

*inner voice- You can still erase this*

it would not serve me peace in the long run.

The Healing Process

So I’m going to deal with this head on. And I’m going to share the healing process, the part where Mom has to pick herself up and keep pushing.

Cuz who in the heck is gonna pack the lunches and scrub the toilets?!

Let me give you an image:

You know the meme of a dog who is sitting at his kitchen table while the room is engulfed in flames while proclaiming that everything is fine.

That’s me, I’m fine.

Heal Out Loud

So, I realize this wasn’t a collection of pretty words to express sorrow, and this didn’t really sound positive or uplifting or happy, at all.

Honestly, after this experience, I would rather not read anything that’s optimistic. I want facts. Give me a reason why this happened. Any studies on how women with multiple healthy pregnancies are still at risk for a miscarriage?

A spontaneous abortion has to be one of the worst experiences a woman will ever possibly experience during their lifetime, and HOW, WHY- Why isn’t anyone talking about the ugly truths of these type of risks after babies are born?

That we’re never really out of the woods, and your multiple healthy babies does not guarantee you a next one.

I’m not sharing my story for sympathy. I’m sharing so that someone doesn’t have to read another square box that says, “Be strong in the midst of chaos.” WE ARE STRONG! Our chaos is realizing that you actually can’t have as many babies as you want. Life just isn’t that perfect. For every 1 in 25 at least.

Let’s Have The Conversation

I’m sharing all of this because we need to have conversations about these types of risks. I thought I knew what to expect, but I wasn’t prepared for it to still happen. I thought I knew what it meant, but I had no idea what to do.

We are mother’s who are on week 3 of shedding their placenta out of their uterus, and still get up to make your children chocolate chip waffles.

We are mother’s who still have to visit their OB for routine ultrasounds until everything has completely flushed out, and no one can watch the baby… so guess who’s coming!?

We are mother’s who walk on their own path of grief.

Losing a sibling for your children, one more baby for your partner to hold, your “what if”-

It’s a special kind of grief, because we are not just grieving the life we had, but the future we dreamed about for our family.

You Are Not Alone

This week I should be 9 weeks pregnant.  My husband and I planned on telling everyone the news with cute “brother” tees on Thanksgiving. I should still be excited and comparing bunk bed prices. Instead, I’m at CVS again for more pads and ibuprofen.

You never think it will happen to you. But all of a sudden, it does. And in an instant you become included in that very small 4%.

So to anyone who hoped that this would be a month of joy and happy news, but instead is filled with grief from a misscarriage, I see you.

Your partner sees you.

Your family sees you.

You are not alone, Mama.

Heal out loud.