This is NOT the story I wanted or expected to be sharing of my birth experience… I’ve been very open with anyone and everyone about my plans and preparations for an unmedicated, low/no intervention VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). I thought, the more I talked about it, the more support I would have, and in putting all my energy and focus into the birth of my dreams, I would manifest exactly what I envisioned for my daughter’s birth. Life threw me a curve ball!
It was important for me to deliver vaginally for so many reasons.
1. Lower risk of complications.
2. Establishing the baby’s gut microbiome.
3. Bonding and breastfeeding benefits.
4. Faster recovery time.
5. Shorter hospital stay.
6. Reduced risk of asthma and allergies for baby.
7. Enhanced immune and respiratory function.
And of course wanting to experience all the feels that come with labor and childbirth that I didn’t get to experience the first time around. I wanted to give birth the way nature intended, with all of the intensity, messiness, emotions, and beauty that come with a vaginal delivery.
All the preparations and planning definitely helped me feel empowered and equipped physically, emotionally, and mentally to have a beautiful, natural birth. I wanted to truly experience ALL of the feelings around labor and birth. I didn’t get the opportunity to go into labor with my son, Venice 7 years ago due to him being breech. Even though I tried all that I knew to do at the time to try to help him shift into the optimal birth position, Venice never budged. The doc scheduled a c-section just as nonchalant as if it were a routine dental checkup. I REALLY didn’t want the c-section, but was made to feel that there were no other options at the time. As a first time mom, I listened to the doctor, packed my hospital bag, and waited until the date that the doc decided was the best time for my son to enter this world. It all felt very unnatural and very medical. And there is nothing more natural than birth!
If I’m being honest, Venice’s birth didn’t actually feel like a “birth.” It felt like surgery! It was obviously surgery. Major surgery. One minute Venice was inside of me and the next minute, he was being pulled out. I felt I had no control over my body. And the recovery was REALLY tough emotionally and physically. Feeling like you can’t trust your body to take care of your brand new baby was so unsettling for me. And I chose not to take the narcotics because they made me sick, so the pain was pretty intense. Not being able to get up off the couch or out of bed with my baby in my arms left me feeling inadequate and unstable. Yes, I was grateful to have a healthy son. And my body eventually healed, but it was not the birth experience I wanted.
My body has never been the same since. It’s hard to say whether or not the trauma from the c-section played a role, but shortly after my son was born, I was diagnosed with four autoimmune conditions. I’m sure it was a combination of the stress of navigating life with a newborn, lack of sleep, poor gut health since I was a kid, and suboptimal work-life balance. At the time of trying to manage working full time, with completing my Masters and I had only very part time childcare. It was a LOT. My physical and mental health really suffered… But I powered through and have done some MAJOR healing over the years.
From the day I found out baby #2 was on the way, I knew I wanted a vaginal delivery. I imagined a birth experience that was the complete opposite of the one I had with Venice. I’ve written in a previous post (Empowered Birth: Navigating my Journey from C-section to VBAC with Knowledge, Support and Confidence). In sum, I shared all of the prep I did, birth workers I hired, and work I put into making sure I was set up to have a natural vaginal birth. It was my main focus for the entire 9 months of my pregnancy… the holistic doula, deep birth breathing, the pelvic floor exercises, yoga poses, massage, chiropractic, acupuncture, hypnobirthing techniques, etc… I did it ALL! As a 40 year old with Sjogrens and hypertension in my first pregnancy, I was labeled high risk. But I never focused on any of the things that were out of my control. Regardless of my “advanced maternal age”, and well-managed Sjogrens, and hypertension that I healed years ago through nutrition and lifestyle medicine, I felt that I was healthier than most women who are pregnant in their 20s. I worked SO hard on my health and wellness over the years, and was confident in my body’s ability to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I took extremely good care of myself not only before getting pregnant, but all throughout my pregnancy. And aside from a bit of nausea and fatigue (mainly in the first trimester) and the typical aches and discomforts that come with a rapidly growing belly, I felt pretty good my entire pregnancy. I did everything I could to set myself up for the birth I desired while keeping myself as healthy as possible. But a higher power had other plans.
At around 36 weeks, my baby was measuring small. Small on a percentage scale compared to other babies measurements at that point in pregnancy, that is. Everything else was looking good. The baby’s heart rate had been strong the entire pregnancy. Placenta looked normal. Fluid levels and blood flow were both normal. And the baby moved like crazy in there. My OB recommended taking her out early. This didn’t make any sense to me at the time. I thought, if she’s small, she just needs more time in there… It’s still early, right? She’ll continue to grow over the next few weeks. This is what I told myself. I also argued that I was a “small baby”. My son was also considered “small.” And even my husband was born on the smaller side. Maybe I just have small babies?? She was in the 4th percentile. I wasn’t concerned with that number. There’s a scale for a reason, right? Some babies have to be on the smaller end of the scale in order for the scale to include those numbers. And I reiterated how important it was for me to go into spontaneous labor and delivery vaginally with little to no interventions or medications. After another measurement both my doc and my perinatologist agreed that they thought it was best for me to deliver the baby at 37 weeks (“according to ACOG recommendations”). I did NOT want this. I still believed my baby was completely fine in there and was just growing at her own rate… I fought to stick to the plan that I wanted so badly and worked so hard for. I really hoped to go into spontaneous labor. I negotiated with my OB to buy a bit more time (about 4 days).. time for me to try to go into labor on my own. He checked me and I wasn’t dilated at all, but he said I could try and see what happens as long as I have a NST done every other day, so I agreed.
Unfortunately, my body and baby just weren’t ready to go into labor. And at my next appointment I was told that not only had my baby stopped growing, but she had gone down from the 4th to the 2nd percentile. And during that NST, her heart rate was decelerating… This was VERY hard to hear. Now I was really getting worried for her wellbeing. But a big part of me still felt that she was doing well in there and really wanted to keep her in. What mom actually wants to believe that something could be wrong with her baby! My OB basically said we need to get this baby out, like ideally today. I was getting REALLY scared at this point. Crying. Not thinking clearly. I asked about the options for induction and was willing to try to go into labor that day at this point, but he said he didn’t think my baby would be strong enough to make it through a vaginal delivery. This is when I really got scared and very stressed. I had a very BIG decision to make. And I needed to make it like NOW. My husband was with me at this appointment and strongly encouraged me to schedule the c-section like my doctor had recommended. I REALLY didn’t want to have a c-section. But I also didn’t want to risk anything going wrong with a vaginal birth to a baby that was “showing signs of stress”, and then potentially end up having an emergency c-section. Neither option was what I imagined or wanted. But there we were… I sat in the docs office crying for a few hours, trying to clear my head and decide what I wanted to do. I had worked SO hard for a vaginal delivery. Part of me was trying to rationalize “what if they’re wrong”, “she’s fine in there, just smaller than some other babies,” “is it really a big deal if her heart rate is going up and down – she’s probably just experiencing my stress from all of this…” In hindsight, I was in denial. Still not knowing what I was going to do. The doc’s office said to go home and talk with my husband and my OB said he’d make himself available that night to do the c-section.
My sister called me on the walk to the car from my OB’s office. I was balling on the phone to her. I told her what was going on and she was supportive and understanding, but encouraged me to listen to the doctor. Even though she knew how badly I wanted my VBAC, she made me realize that I didn’t want to have any regrets when it came to the health and safety of my baby. I came home and cried to my doula as well, who cried with me, knowing how badly I wanted to experience labor and natural birth. Venice saw me cry for the first time that day. Unfortunately, I couldn’t shield him from the gravity of how scary and stressful this situation was. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep that night, worrying if my baby was OK. I kept replaying the words the OB used “I don’t want you to have a dumb baby or a dead baby.” Truly AWFUL words to say to a very pregnant mama. The bedside manner was obviously terrible! But maybe I needed to hear that…
I ultimately scheduled the c-section for that night. Packed my hospital bag, got Venice ready for the stay at his cousin’s house, tidied up the house a bit, and headed to the hospital…feeling defeated. I ultimately didn’t want to regret trying for a vaginal birth if something were to have gone wrong, I would never have been able to forgive myself. So I chose the surgery. I chose the baby. That’s what mom’s do, we put our baby’s before all of our wants and needs, right??
The surgery went fine. Unfortunately, I didn’t get anything on my detailed birth plan that I put so much thought and time into. I didn’t even have a plan B for a potential c-section on there. Never wanted to let my mind or energy go there, but here we were. My doula and husband were by my side the entire time. I felt numb. I didn’t want this…surgery. I tuned out and just succumbed and went through the motions in the hospital. My husband kept reassuring me that I was doing the right thing. My doula did everything she could to help create the ambiance I wanted for my dream birth with dim lighting, essential oils, calming music, and massage. The nurses were really nice, but I kept thinking there’s no way they could understand how important to me it was to have a vaginal birth and how devastated I felt as they were poking me and pumping me with meds.
The surgery went smoothly. When the doc pulled my daughter out, she was even smaller than what they projected, 4lbs, 11oz. But she had the most beautiful, powerful cry, and felt a huge sense of relief. She was tiny but mighty! The cord was double wrapped around her neck. Finding this out made me feel that I made the right decision in taking her out early. The cord may have restricted her nutrient intake. The doc also said that maybe the placenta wasn’t functioning properly toward the end of my pregnancy, but there was no way to know for sure. They took her to the NICU for 40 minutes as a precaution, but she was perfect. She passed all tests with flying colors. I couldn’t see clearly the first time I held her. I was barfing the first time she latched on. I couldn’t think clearly her first day of life. But she was here, she was healthy, and she was mine. I loved her so much already. I am crying as I’m writing this. I am still grieving, but very grateful at the same time.
Even though I got to meet my daughter that day, it was probably the hardest day of my life. I will probably grieve the birth that she and I didn’t get the chance to have for a while… But I am so incredibly grateful for her health.
Every woman’s birth journey is truly unique. And unfortunately, SO many mamas have very traumatizing and even devastating stories that live in their hearts.
In sharing my story, I hope that other moms who might experience something similar will open up their minds and hearts to the fact that with birth (as with most things in life), things almost never go as we plan. My stubbornness, strong-mindedness and unwavering determination to have the birth of my dreams could have resulted in a very different outcome for both my baby and me. I try not to let my mind go there because we didn’t choose that path. We can choose to be angry, live in denial or regret, and to continually question our choices. Or, we can surrender, release control, and accept that birth is messy. Life is messy. But it’s beautiful. It makes us stronger. As I heal from this birth, I’m working to be patient with my body, to give myself grace, and to find peace and serenity.
