I was 39 years old and the last decade of my life had been spent raising and caring for two small children. Although I was grateful for my time with them and considered it time well spent, I realized that I no longer knew how I fit into the world as anything other than a mom.
Hello Motherhood
Before kids, my days consisted of prosecuting criminals in a courtroom. My last day of work my calendar showed me in trial, but my water broke that morning and my body called me to the hospital to give birth. In a day, my life changed from budding lawyer to full-time mom. It was a choice I made freely and without regret. It was not all blissful, however. Child-raising was hard work and there were many days I felt lonely and wondered what I would be doing if I had chosen to keep working outside the home. My dreams of returning to work someday comforted me as the years ticked by.
The Rest Of My Life
A decade into SAHM life, I realized I had completely lost my confidence and the courage to actually venture back out into the world beyond motherhood. I had not written an email, researched a legal issue, or spoken to anyone in a professional setting in almost ten years. Technology had changed. My degree and work experience were ten years older. My mind wasn’t in shape for that kind of work. I remember the moment I realized this and the terror I felt trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. The hardest part was that I doubted my ability. Was I strong enough to pull myself up, or even try?
A Small Step Forward
With no end goal in sight, I decided to hire a life coach. I explained to her that I didn’t feel confident and my self esteem was in the gutter. I couldn’t imagine how I could make the life and hours of a lawyer work with raising my children. She helped me organize the chaos in my head. With her encouragement, I began to take small steps toward finding a job. I dusted off my resume, practiced interviewing, purchased a few work clothes and applied for any position that felt remotely comfortable.
Gaining Confidence
In my first job upon re-entry, I learned so many new skills. I was reacquainted with technology, forced to speak with customers and present information in a professional setting. In the beginning, every single thing was scary. I was terrified of sending an email. My first board presentation kept me up the two nights before. Slowly with time, I realized that my intelligence was intact. My ability was still present. With each small step I gained another ounce of confidence.
Take That Step
If you are stuck in your journey, challenge yourself to take a step without knowing where you will end up. Have confidence that you can navigate the unknown terrain ahead of you. Use the big rocks in your life as your anchor and let the little stones that no longer fit fall away. Focus on the next step, right or wrong. If it’s wrong, readjust your footing. If it’s right you are that much closer to your goal. Trust yourself and your ability to create the life you are sometimes even afraid to imagine. If it’s on your heart, it’s possible. Take that step.
