I was looking into colleges with good writing programs and I found some interesting information on a school called Harvard. Have you heard of it?”
As we inch toward the high school years my husband and I recently introduced our daughter to the idea of researching colleges as a means to gauge interest and begin the conversation. Her response, naïve and adorable as it was, had me chuckling at the idea that oftentimes our kids don’t realize their parents were, in fact, individuals before beginning the journey of raising tiny humans. Moms and dads alike are actual people who lived actual lives and had actual preferences, careers, and aspirations pre-parenthood.
Yes, I have in fact heard of Harvard.
And yet, my daughter’s fleeting comment also served as a reminder that, while our children sometimes don’t recognize our pre-parenthood humanity, we, mothers especially, fully committed to our family’s thriving, are oftentimes just as guilty of forgetting our own personhood.
But I think there’s a deeper conversation to be had here.
I Will Not Be Defined by One Thing
Our culture tends to live in extremes. It constantly pressures us to pick a side—Democrat or Republican, motherhood or career, even coffee drinker versus non-coffee drinker. These tensions (pro coffee lover here) and other hot topic issues are necessary and beneficial as we seek to live in and strengthen our communities through understanding the “other” side with compassion. However, the danger of associating too closely with one facet of ourselves over another can sometimes limit our peripheral vision, thus skewing our perspective.
It’s easy to forget we are multi-dimensional people. Motherhood, albeit one of the most important and beautiful parts of me, is not all of me. Nor is my marriage, career, friends, education, or even ways I explore and practice self care. I am a whole person with ideas, preferences, beliefs and experiences. That was true of me before I got married, before I had kids, and it will be true of me before whatever season of life is yet to come. It doesn’t mean I don’t have needs. I do! But despite the societal pressures to “have it all,” and Jerry Maguire swoon-worthy quotes like, “You complete me,” I’m reminded that as a complex individual my womanhood is just that—complex. I am not defined by my one true love, by the success of my career or how well my kids behave.
When I remember that I am multifaceted, I am free to remember that about others as well, extending honor and dignity to those who are also not defined by one aspect of their lives. I’m more willing to give grace and compassion because, let’s face it, we are all a bunch of complex people, moving through this world and space together, yearning that our whole selves be known, loved and understood.
When a conversation about colleges reminds me that I had a whole life—the good and bad—before becoming a mother, it stirs in me a gratitude and wonder for what was, what is, and what I hope for the future.
Yes, I have heard of Harvard. I’ve lived some life. And while motherhood isn’t all of me, nor does it even define me, it truly is one of the best parts of me.
