Who Knew? My Journey With Cancer
This year started out very emotional and as each celebration passed, I got a little bit more grateful. At the beginning of all this I was in such shock. I didn’t even allow myself to process much, let alone think of what was going on around me.
The cancer I have is two in four BILLION lucky number 2. Desmoid Fibromatosis tumor Sarcoma Cancer. Under my clavicle breast tissue and on top of my chest wall and in both lungs. It has wrapped itself around my major blood vessel and veins in my right arm.
Telling
Telling my family was my first step holding my mom as I told her was something I will never forget with my dad blankly staring into the distance with not a word to utter. We drove to my house with christian music playing not saying a word.
Getting to my family felt like a road trip I didn’t want to be on. It was long or so it felt, with no potty breaks. I finally got to my children and to my husband. He was on his way to the kitchen when I arrived.
So, the Doctors found something and they believe it’s cancer. My daughter ran to her room and my husband sobbed and for the first time in a long time I was speechless. I said, ” I will fight this.”
My whole family sat in the living room and we all cried. Just as it started it ended we wiped our tears and began the biggest fight.
I Will Fight
I am obsessed over fighting with everything in me. I went through days of night sweats and hot flashes. Both of which are probably the most annoying of the whole journey. The day I got my diagnosis I went into auto pilot.
Sitting in the doctor’s office to sitting in my car driving straight to my parents. Going from the unknown to knowing but still unsure of my prognosis. Not only did I have no choice but mentally I had to have the power to fight. I got comfortable in the silence. Not knowing much including how long my journey would be or what I expected.
Strength was my middle name, and I was about to go into the biggest battle in my life with myself and my life all because of cancer. I have gone through so many seasons during this.
Hair changes.
Body changes.
Mood changes.
Energy shifts.
My body is no longer the cute figure I once had.
My hair is different and I can’t sleep or eat most nights.
One Foot In Front Of The Other
Hey, just put one foot in front of the other right? Sitting in my chemo chair I would get blood draws for two, four and six hours a day and eight hour fasting most days. So many unanswered questions like why me? Was God trying to teach me something? But the silence is what I would hear.
Comfortable in the silence? Yes, it was deafening. I was alone and that hurt worse than being in a room full of people. I learned to do things that distracted me, like mindlessly watching movies.
My brain was getting through what it could while indulging in things that gave me slivers of happiness. I was just existing and in a world where it goes so fast the last thing you want to do is just exist.
Trying to stay occupied with things so I didn’t open my mouth to the person next to me. I will never forget the way I felt the day I got the news. But I think it healed me in some ways. “You have cancer,” those words rang out in my ears till I left the office.
Strength in community
Last year I got so nervous I made preemptive plans in case I went south. Addiction runs deep in my family so taking pain management meds outside of chemo is so hard for my mind to wrap around. I get scared of catching a good feeling and becoming addicted, so I go without. But living with a level fourteen pain wasn’t in the cards for me.
I lived with an ice pack underneath me and I loved it. You know the ice packs from the 1950’s; the rubber bottle filled with hot water for the winter nights and cold for the summer ones. It’s still my best friend and salon pas patches.
Living with cancer has given me many lessons in patience, strength and living in the word of God. Cancer was something I got in order to learn things about myself and to slow down. Cancer was the fight I needed to understand elements about me I had pushed down.
I learned to be graceful with myself and to forgive the things I have done. It also taught me to let go and ask for help even when I feel like I should be doing things by myself. It’s ok to have help. Community makes things less lonely but it doesn’t take away your feelings in the moment. Some days it’s frustrating because you think why me?
I had to get comfortable with my new world and with my new life and that includes allowing others to help and that part I struggled with as I was always in control and that was changing very rapidly.
But this time someone had to step up and step in and care for me instead and I hated letting people in. I never liked asking for help because to me it showed a sign of weakness and that was never me. I always held everyone and everything together.
Today I am
Closer to being ok again, and let me tell you that’s a relief. I am seventy-five percent ok. I have twenty-five percent more to go. I am content with being here no matter what it looks like. I have a few good takeaways from this and that wine now tastes good (lol).
I managed to give up a lot of things that weren’t good for me anyways. Which included letting go of people that weren’t helping me reach my full potential.
Above all, I grew closer to God more than I ever had before. I am here for my girls and family. I fought hard to be here and I will always be forever grateful.
Cancer may have started the fight but I will finish it with my hands on the horns like a matador.
PICTURE: Below is a photo of my friend; my cancer chair. She has been with me since the beginning. I sat in that chair and did all my treatments and tests in that chair. I have grown comfortable in that chair. Most of all I have grown in that chair. That chair gave me the backbone I have today.
