If you could take a magnifying glass to my extended family…really study us…look into the deepest, darkest parts… you would probably describe my family using these words.
Broken.
Abusive.
Lonely.
Beyond Repair.
And you would be right. My family has experienced our fair share of hurt, abuse, and brokenness. Enough that anyone would agree it is toxic and ugly and not worth the trouble. There have been words and actions that are absolutely unacceptable and completely wrong, even criminal. There have been damaging decisions and to the definition, abuse.
But through all of it, and a lot of therapy, I am still here saying I am fighting for my family.
Boundaries
Some might read this and say, “WAIT! You have no idea what that family member has done or said!” You are right. Let me set the stage. I have been sexually abused by one of my family members and completely erased by another because of my beliefs. I can not begin to describe the heinous and evil acts that have been done to me. And I am definitely not saying put yourself in harm’s way or allow someone to continue to abuse you. But I have found forgiveness and healing and peace in a very long journey of wanting to fight like hell to be whole and healthy and repair relationships with family. I have to fight to forgive.
My Kids
The main reason I keep coming back to working towards forgiveness, healthy boundaries, and healthy relationships is my kids. I look at my three amazing kids and I want to protect them from all the bad I have experienced. But deep down, I know I can not. They will experience hurt and broken relationships and deep broken-hearted disappointments. Although they are young now I think a lot about the conversation I will have with them when these things happen. And I come back to one thing over and over again. Forgiveness frees you.
It does not by any means make it right. It does not excuse what was done. It does not say what happened does not matter. Forgiveness says I want to let go of the hate and anger attached to what happened so I can be a healthy, whole and thriving person. Forgiveness says I don’t want what you did to control my life and that I will use it to learn and grow and be a better person.
So, if I want to set that example for my children, I am learning I have to fight…fight like hell for forgiveness of those relationships in my family that are uncomfortable, damaging and unhealthy.
Different, Not the Same
So I have. I have had really uncomfortable conversations and really awful meetings with family members in the hope of working towards forgiveness and releasing the pain and hurt. I have put my own feelings aside to allow my kids to have relationships with these family members. My kids are safe and never in harm, but I have made a decision that my kids will not lose because I lost at that relationship. I am fighting for them to have healthy, good memories because my kids deserve to have that.
With forgiveness, I have also been able to experience some healing in relationships. So, the relationships are not as they are supposed to be. They are different, not the same as if they would be if that family member were truly safe and good. My kids only see their grandpa about two times a year, for a few hours and never unattended because of their grandfather’s actions. But they get to have somewhat of a relationship with their grandpa. It is different and not perfect but I wasn’t willing to remove that relationship from them because of what happened to me. I do not dare think this can be the same for every person. But I want to share my story, just in case. To show that the next generation does not have to reap the brokenness or punishment of generations before them.
Not Perfect, Actually Pretty Imperfect
For these family members I have a broken and unhealthy relationship, I still have very strict and important boundaries. I know my limits and I know when to say no. But I have not crossed that line that says I cut you out forever. I know my story may be hard to understand and very different from other people’s stories who have toxic and hard family relationships. I am just ONE person and I can not imagine the number of stories of broken and abusive families. So please do not take my story as the end all, be all.
RELATED TOPIC: Breaking Up With Your Toxic Family
It has been what has worked for me. Not perfect at all. Actually really imperfect. But when I watch my kids make memories with a family member who has wronged me, and that is all they know…a good memory, it truly breaks down the hardness of my heart. I feel hope in seeing my children make a positive memory with that family member. It, believe it or not, brings me some healing to watch my children get to experience what I longed for with that person.
Healthier Relationships
I was hurt by that person, but the next generation gets to have a healthy relationship. A strange and indescribable redemption I need. It is as if I watch the next generation heal from my hurt and they get to move past the brokenness and be fulfilled and happy. My forgiveness has not only freed me, it has freed my children without them even knowing it.
I am watching healing and health and goodness in my fighting like hell to forgive and do things differently. I know it is a sacrifice, maybe one that most people wouldn’t agree with. But I see my children having relationships that are healthy and good and learning to start off relationships the right way. It is a burden I am willing to carry for now. It is something I am willing to fight for, for now.
And so far, it has given more to me than it has taken. So I will keep going. I will fight. I will do the hard work. I will try. I will forgive and look to move forward.
And my hope is I set an example for my children to fight for the relationship in their life. That relationships can look very different. That healing and hope can come from forgiveness and healing.
But it can be worth it to fight…fight like hell!
