It’s been 1 year and almost 2 months to the day that I stopped “working”. I put working in quotes here, because when I say working I mean the traditional idea of what we know to be “work”. Before we dive headfirst into a year long transformative experience, I want to put some context together for continuity.
My Background
Prior to having my now 2 beautiful children, I worked for 16 years in corporate sales and marketing for a number of different companies. I worked in the travel realm, which I loved for the years I was there. I found purpose and fun in the work that I did, and sales and marketing comes very naturally to me since I love talking and working with people. I had my daughter in 2019 during the height of the pandemic, and had the gift to be home with her and work at the same time for two years. After I had my son, I went back to work for 2 months and realized very quickly I couldn’t be the type of mom I really wanted to be if I stayed in corporate sales and account management. So I left…sort of. You can read more about that experience in corporate America here: Empowering the Working Mom – Ventura County Mom Collective
After a part time position was created for me, I worked for 9 months until ultimately that came to a natural end. They wanted to bring me on full time, which didn’t accomplish my personal goal of being fully present for my children at the time they needed me most. My husband and I looked at the income I was bringing in, and the cost of childcare and ultimately decided we could make it work for me to stay home with them while they’re young and reliant. We were lucky to have them a bit later in life (I was 35 and my husband 40 when we had our first) and our financial stability is in a place that allows one of us to be home with them while the other not making an income. What I didn’t know about this choice a year ago, and what I’m finding now, is the huge transformational shift that would happen within me to look at my life with an entirely different perspective.
Work Hard
I was raised by two working physician assistants. My mom worked part time in the busiest ER in Connecticut while raising us. They did an amazing job being with us and prioritizing family, spirituality, and time in community. My mom instilled in me and my siblings always being able to take care of ourselves and provide no matter what the outcome of a marriage or partnership might be in our futures. I clung so deeply to this instilled value that it fueled and ignited ambition in me to pursue a career that would be both lucrative and rewarding. I’ve worked since I was 15 years old, and have always had a steady stream of income coming in, no matter what. I am so grateful for the nearly 25 years of hard, nose to the grindstone work that I did to get me right where I’m at today. And I am equally grateful to both my parents for instilling a “work hard” work ethic in me that has fueled me through life.
Stay at Home
The value of providing income for myself stayed deep within me for so long that deciding to stay home with children for any part of my life felt like a sacrifice to the career that I had worked so hard to build. What I am realizing now is the true gift I’ve been given to watch and be present with my children, every single day. Now, some of you may read this and think “she’s crazy not to see how lucky she is!” Or maybe you think “to stay home everyday with my kids sounds miserable! That’s way harder”. Whatever you think, I know that we are all on the path of what is right for each individual mother and family. I judge none of it. It is such an individual and unique journey for each person that we cannot possibly understand how it is for one another, except if we curiously ask questions about what someone else’s journey is about.
RELATED TOPIC: To Work or Not to Work – That is the Questions
The Gift of Time
In stepping back from my career, my biggest fear has been losing my “seat at the table”. Or losing my “voice” in any kind of financial decision in my life. I have also feared becoming perceived as “irrelevant” or “losing myself in motherhood”. Unfortunately, I feel that these story lines and narratives are prevalent among many conversations with women and mothers that I have had. These fears and feelings have felt quite debilitating and trapping many times. I find myself still grappling with these societal narratives and norms. The thought of even stepping into anything outside the “normal workforce” scares the daylights out of me, still. But knowing that I’ve now been given an opportunity to find deeper purpose for my life and work in my true power is a profound gift. I have been given the gift of time, and so, I courageously power forward.
Letting Go
Over the past year, I’ve been redefining what VALUE actually means when it’s not tied to any kind of traditional income. In this transition, a lot of pain and irritation has come up in my mind. I’ve leaned into this through therapy, couples therapy, breathwork, yoga, meditation, organizing my space, and building on the community I’ve found through motherhood. I started fitness instructing for Fit4Mom Thousand Oaks and started leading seasonal half day women’s retreats. In the past 2 years I have made my transition out of the corporate world, and have started following the things that bring me the most joy and allowed me to be with my kids as much as I possibly can. In the uncomfortableness of letting go, what I’ve found is a redefinition of what it means to be valuable. I’m finding now that value doesn’t necessarily have to equal an income, a career, fancy things or a huge title. My value is in the presence and quiet calm love that I bring to my children. In the loving conversations I have with my husband. In the support I give as a sister, daughter, friend and community member. It’s in the beautiful home that I keep, the meals that I make, and the energy that I bring to every part of my life. In this ultimate letting go of my attachment to what it means to be “valuable”, I’m finding a new and enriching purpose. I’m finding that every decision I make in my day doesn’t have a beginning or an end, it flows effortlessly with ease and love and gratitude. My value is no longer wrapped up in just an income or a career. My value is the me that I bring into the world and into my home each and everyday.
A Reawakening
I’m having new conversations, taking different turns to get to the grocery store, meeting people everyday in the things I do out in the world with my children and discovering that the world is full of interesting, complicated, beautiful people who have stories to tell and things to bring to our lives if only we ask the right questions and pay attention to the answers. I’m finding myself slowing down, in a world that’s hurried. Loving more in a world that needs more love. Leaning in more in the hard, difficult and triggering moments that come with raising young children. Smiles are bigger, laughs are louder, flowers are brighter, and the grass really is greener where you water it. I’m finding more and more and more of myself. I’m listening to my husband more, and meeting my neighbors. I’m hearing more than I’ve ever heard before, and I am redefining what it means to be a human that is valuable and relevant no matter what. And in it I’m finding my deep, soulful purpose. I am so grateful for every step, every piece, every heartbreak and every “mistake” that was never a mistake at all. It was all leading me here, to now. I’d call it a reawakening, but that feels cheesy and cliche. So we’ll say, the lights have been turned on.
Your Calling
Motherhood and raising my children has ignited a piece of my brain and my soul I lost touch with for a little while. I’m finding a reconnection to the deepest parts of myself, my creativity, my femininity and my eager lust for life that lay dormant for a little while. I truly believe that there is a deep calling in each and every one of us. And the question we have to ask ourselves, is are we listening and do we have the courage to hear the answer?
Guest Writer: Hallie McAnall
