My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years now. I’m so grateful that we’ve managed to pass the “seven-year-itch,” but I’m not going to lie. Marriage is hard.
The Honeymoon Phase
In the beginning of our marriage, we experienced the “honeymoon phase.” We were IN LOVE and full of JOY. We had found our ride-or-die partners. We hardly argued, and everything seemed perfect.
When it was just the two of us, life felt relatively easy. We focused on our careers. We regularly hung out with close couple friends – wine tasting trips to Paso Robles, board game nights, potlucks. We traveled together – Seattle, New York, an Alaskan cruise. Life was so much fun and carefree!
Life After Having A Kid
We waited almost 4 years before having our first and only kid. So many unexpected stressors came into our lives.
My infant son had severe eczema and food allergy issues during his first year of life. As a new mom, I felt overwhelmed and helpless.
My husband and I were both working full-time at the time. When he made the decision to accept a higher paying job that was farther away, I struggled with going to work full-time and having a “second shift” all by myself in the evenings. I felt very unfulfilled by my job, and my mental health took a toll.
With a leap of faith and after guidance from my therapist, I made the difficult decision to quit my job and become a stay-at-home mom. I was happier, and my family was happier.
I’m fortunate that my husband supported me during this challenging period of our marriage. He worked so hard and took up my slack, but that also left him exhausted, lonely, and a little resentful. My postpartum depression left him with a scar, and to this day, I have to remind him to rest.
Over the years, our support system also dwindled. One by one, our close friends moved far away in pursuit of better opportunities. I was lonely, especially when scrolling through social media and seeing other mom friends with a close tribe, something that I desperately yearned for.
Wisdom I’ve Learned Over The Years
- Instead of complaining about all the things your husband does wrong or doesn’t do at all, give him some grace. Also, be humble and look inward. Your husband may not be perfect, but neither are you. You can’t control your husband, but you CAN try to be a better you. Be grateful that your husband loves you despite all YOUR flaws.
- Instead of comparing your husband to other husbands, focus on all the positive things about him. Show your appreciation to him.
- Arguments are inevitable. Instead of viewing your husband as the problem, work together as a team to solve the issue.
- Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not 50/50. Sometimes it’s 80/20 or 30/70. One person may be carrying more weight at times, but that’s okay. Lean in to each other. Support each other as needed.
- If you’re the one in the relationship who desires sex less, instead of acting annoyed, consider your husband’s perspective. Maybe engaging in sex is the way he feels connected to you and the way he feels loved. Instead of just doing what you want all the time, consider giving in every once in a while (even when you’re tired). Because let’s face it. Sex to most men is like food – they crave it and need it.
Show appreciation to your husband! Write a loving note. Buy him a thoughtful gift. Plan a fun outing. Give him a big hug. Or simply give him some alone time to be able to freely enjoy what he wants to do.
Guest Writer: Miriam Cave
