My family has been enjoying sunny afternoons at our local pool. The water is cool, there are summer time snacks at the snack bar, and my kids love trying the water obstacle course and diving boards. Most often it is just my kids and myself who head to the pool but every once in a while my husband gets to join us too.
Keep Away
When my husband joins us, the pool activities change. My kids usually forgo the usual diving boards, obstacle courses and diving rings. It is all about playing different games with their dad, mostly playing a rowdy game of keep away.
I apologize now if you have been in the pool when my family is playing. It can be pretty wild. The game consists of my husband throwing our ball around the pool and everyone dashing to get to the ball first. Splashing and giggling and wrestling ensures as they all try to be the first. But rarely do my kids triumph over their father; he is faster and stronger and has no intention of going easy on them. My kids don’t pout or whine about the continual loss to their father. And this really got me thinking about the art of losing.
Never Let Them Win
I have a confession to make. I let my kids win. I “forget” where a card is when playing the Trolls Memory Card Game with my daughter. I “miss” the basket when playing HORSE with my son. When playing Mario Kart with my oldest, I sometimes “accidentally” fall off the course when in the lead. I don’t know if it is because I don’t want them to feel bad or protect them from feeling uncomfortable, but I more often than not, let my kids win.
But my husband… he never lets our kids win. And I realized he is teaching our kids the art of losing.
The Art of Losing
I am sure most of us don’t like to lose but it is an inevitable part of life. We have all heard “You can’t win them all” by Connie Mack. And I am finally starting to see I am actually doing a disservice to my children by allowing them to win, especially without much effort. I think we are seeing the effects of kids, teens and young adults not being able to handle and work through losing.
According to the Mayo Clinic Health System, up to 44% of college students reported having symptoms of depression and anxiety. They believe this high percentage is related to our culture’s hyper focus on achievement” and the pressure to be perfect. What I hear when I read this is that our kids think they must be perfect by achieving all the time and there is no room for failure…they can’t lose.
So, where do we start as parents to help our kids learn that losing is ok and losing can actually be a form of growth?
Benefits of Losing
I read a great article titled “9 Reasons to Let Your Kids Lose” from education.com. It clearly talks through why we need to let our kids lose. Here are just a few benefits they discuss.
- Your child learns from their mistakes.
- Build empathy.
- Build and practice self-control.
- Learn the joy of having fun.
Sure, in the moment it may not feel good to lose and as parents we don’t like our kids feeling sad or upset, but if we are thinking long-term, we know we have to let our kids lose.
We can practice this with board games at home. Start by having a conversation before the game that the goal is to spend time together and have fun. Be prepared to let feelings settle if one child is upset at losing and help that child talk about what parts of the game they enjoyed.
Another great place to practice this is in sports. We can show our kids that it is ok to lose a game and they can celebrate the other team’s win. As a parent, you can cheer for the other team and be supportive of all the coaches and adults involved.
School is another environment parents can help kids learn to work hard on projects, homework and grades but also know that sometimes they might not get it right. This is a great place to really understand that mistakes will happen but we can learn from them.
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Sorry Kids
Well, it looks like I am going to be doing a little bit more winning when playing with my kids. Yes, I will take the time to help them work through the hard feelings of losing but I have decided I am not just going to let them win anymore. I am sure at some point anyways, my kids will be better than me at many things and they will have the full satisfaction of beating their mother fair and square.
And I will be the one having to learn the art of losing.
