“You should take the skin off of your chicken,” blurted one of my elementary school teachers as I crossed the street heading towards my home. His unsolicited diet advice was the last thing my 10 year old brain wanted to receive. I was already self conscious about my chubby pre-teen body and I didn’t need any commits from a fourth grade teacher with a dad bod.
I’ll never forget the way that he looked at me in disgust as his eyes ran up and down my body. I wonder what I was wearing that day that triggered his outburst of negativity. Was my shirt too tight? Did my shorts expose more of my shapely thighs than he could handle?
Take the skin off of my chicken? Sure, that would solve all of my issues with food! Far from it.
This isn’t the only instance that I receive a poor choice of words from grown-ups. When you’re shopping in the “moms’” clothing section of your local Sears in grade school, you tend to get used to comments and cold stares that say far more than words can express.
What is a well-intentioned adult to do with an overweight child?
First of all, if the child is not your own, keep your comments to yourself. Any advice or input that you might want to share should be directed to their parents.
Please resist the urge to give them “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” such as the chicken skin exhortation I received.
“You should join a sport.”
“You should go to the gym.”
“You should play outside more.”
“You should stop snacking.”
“You shouldn’t eat that.”
“You shouldn’t be hungry.”
From the heart of this former fat kid, I’m telling you that such comments sting for a lifetime. The message that they will hear from you is: you are not good enough, you need to change, you are unacceptable, and you are fat. Stop calling kids fat.
If the advice is not something that you would say to an adult, then you have absolutely no business uttering it to a child. Your words can cause trauma. Not all trauma is big, such as the kind from abuse or neglect. There’s also trauma with a lowercase “t”, which also causes lasting harm. What you say now, can lead to years of poor body image, distorted eating, bodily harm, and so on.
In the words of Cher, “If I could turn back time. If I could find a way. I’d take back those words that have hurt you and you’d stay.”
Did you catch that last part? “You’d stay.” Your words have the power to sever relationships and create distance or separation. I don’t think that’s your goal, especially if you’ve read this far.
RELATED TOPIC: Words Matter
What To Say Instead
I’m going to list the kind words that I wish I had received and offer a bit of guidance for how to create a positive impact.
“I love you just the way that you are.”
“You are safe and free to be yourself here.”
“You do such a good job of listening to your body.”
“I’m so glad that you joined us for this meal.”
“I’m so glad that you joined us in this game of (pick a sport).”
“Is there a sport or activity that you would like to try?”
I understand that it can be painful to watch a child, especially one that you love struggle with their weight. We want to guard them from being bullied, prevent health complications associated with being overweight as well as social-emotional setbacks.
A Handy Dandy Acronym
I’ve created the following acronym that I believe can be of great benefit:
E.M.P.I.R.E
Encourage the child to make healthy choices without being pushy or condemning them when they eat something “bad”. No food is bad or makes a person bad. It’s simply a choice.
Model the type of eating and lifestyle habits that you would like to see in them. Eat well, move your body, get enough rest, and speak kindly about your body in front of kids. They are listening and watching.
Praise behaviors that positively impact their health. And give more than a “good job.” Be specific about what they did that made you take notice. Focus on praising healthy habits versus a decreased number on the scale to avoid a poor relationship with the scale.
Invite them to participate in healthy activities in an easy going manner. This could be asking them to join you in the kitchen to help prepare a meal or inviting them to go on a post meal walk.
Respect them when they decline an offer. They are bound to pass on what you’d consider the healthier food choice or say “no” when you invite them to engage in a physical activity. Don’t take it personally or make it a big deal. They’re more likely to accept the next time, if you stay chill and neutral.
Expert. As in leave it to the experts. If you’re struggling with your own weight or lack knowledge surrounding health and nutrition, then get some professional help for yourself before dishing out advice to kids. Also, the child whom you wish to influence positively might do better receiving health coaching from a neutral party speaking within their scope of practice.
The Heart
The heart of my message is simple. Speak kindly to children. Love them beyond their outward appearance. Shaming them will not make them any less fat. Your words carry more weight than any waistline can extend.
