Fat, again…and HAPPY!

Have you ever hovered over the scale only to see a number that seems utterly surreal?  

“That can’t be right!  The scale must need new batteries,” I reasoned before a gallon of guilt made its way up my throat and began to drip one tear at a time down my rounder cheeks.  I stormed out of my bathroom and scurried down stairs to find a new set of AA batteries as fast as possible. 

I flipped the scale over, shoved the new batteries in, and hopped on the scale again (this time without socks because that makes a difference) only to see the same stinking number.  

“How did I let myself gain that much weight?” I cried as my sixteen year old walked through the hallway looking in my direction.  She is my biggest cheerleader and “confidence coach”.  Somehow, years of watching me struggle with my weight helped her develop a very healthy body image.  

“I’m so fat!  I do love myself, but it’s so hard to love this heavier body,” I continued to wail.

“You’re not fat, mom.  You’re just a little curvy right now.  You’re still very strong.  Besides, your body is allowed to change.  And it has nothing to do with who you are as a person,” she lovingly replied. 

I was humbled by her strong effort to console me.  I wish that the truths she’d spoken had snapped me out of my pity party, still the guilt and shame from being an overweight Certified Personal Trainer and Nutrition Coach overwhelmed me. 

I knew better. 

I felt like a fraud of a Health Coach.

Back To The How

I gained weight (approximately 25 lbs) last year after a series of life-changing events.  The stay-at-home-homeschool mom with a budding health coaching business had to seek other ways to provide income for her family.  I no longer had the luxury of doing long workouts, hiking on a whim or going for a short midday run around my neighborhood. 

I had always known it was a privilege and empathize with clients who struggled to find time to workout before or after a workday.  Now, I am a member of the working mom club, who learned once again how easy it is to put on stress weight.  

My stress didn’t come from work alone or managing a home with three children.  It was also from going on a path of healing and allowing myself to feel the pain/trauma of childhood experiences.  That stress was the harder part. 

Reliving the past meant that I subconsciously went back to old coping mechanisms.  My childhood protector parts caused me to retreat and become stagnant, afraid and idle (i.e. exercise way less, cry more). 

I also believe that the fear of gaining weight helped me manifest a heavier frame.  Our thoughts become things and as much as I knew that, I wasn’t operating at a high enough level to combat the low vibration thinking.  But that topic is for another article. 

Bouncing Back

Change doesn’t come until we reach an unbearable point of dissatisfaction.  I couldn’t tolerate another pair of ill-fitted jeans.  I celebrate women who own their curves and love their love handles, but I felt trapped in a muffin-topped body that I didn’t recognize as my own.  I had been so lean and fit!

I am currently in a weight loss phase, bouncing back by doing what I can instead of fixating on the way I used to meal plan so efficiently and work out with such intensity.  That was a different season. 

I am now in an era of taking kitchen shortcuts, working out smarter, and a “Done is better than perfect” mentality.  I’ll go into greater detail about how I am bouncing back in subsequent articles.  Big hint:  I am losing weight without killing myself or starving myself skinny.

Fat and Happy

Despite my dramatic scale meltdown, I’m actually happy to have gained this weight.  I am thankful to be going through this process as it’s preparing me for future work helping women “bounce back” postpartum. 

I believe that good comes from every situation and that at every moment, I am exactly where I am meant to be.  I’ll never give up on myself.  I’ll help others push harder and move forward lovingly as they adapt to their own life changes.  I am allowed to love myself EVEN when and especially while it’s difficult to love my body. 

I’m fat, again and happy.

I have found a new joy through believing the words spoken to me from my daughter.  My weight has nothing to do with who I am as a person.  My body is allowed to change.  I love all parts of myself, including the broken parts that I faced this go-around (there will be others) of healing. 

I want you to know that I love the broken pieces of you, too, dear reader.  I appreciate that we’ve each born pain to some degree from our individual life experiences. 

It’s our humanness that connects us all like one huge colorful mosaic of broken glass that sparkles from a common source of light.  We can learn from those broken pieces and choose to be happy.  In my case, fat and happy until I’m fit again.