It is such a sad story to live a life where you cannot be completely who you are due to how others might take what you say with a mind created tone. It is a sad life to live where the freedom to be yourself means you’ll wear tape across your lips so others do not get hurt. No, you should not be walking on eggshells to keep a friend.
This Is Who I Am
I tend to pride myself in showing right off the bat how blunt I am when I first meet people. I show “this is who I am; take it or leave it”. However, somewhere along the lines of building a relationship and becoming friends, this gets overshadowed by how the other person sees the true me. I have to carefully think about what my next words will be to keep their mental health afloat but how about my own? Changing who I am for others is not a compromise, it is killing every bit of my personality. It is taking what everyone else around me, including my family, has loved about me for the past 30 something years of my life (ahem). Slowly turning myself into someone I am not to create a safe space for others according to what they like in a relationship is not helping my own mental health.
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Walking on Eggshells
Many connect the phrase “walking on eggshells” to abusive love relationships, however this can also happen with friends. One day you can meet someone and think you are compatible and as the days turn into months you start noticing subtle changes in their personality.
How do you know if a friendship is having you “walk on eggshells”?
If you feel like conversations are always tough to keep up with, you never know if they will get upset about something you said.
If you have to filter yourself every time you try to communicate.
If they make everything about themselves.
If they never hold themselves accountable for their actions.
If they take more than they give.
If they constantly feel attacked.
If you get blamed for their mood.
If you spend most days figuring out how to fix the relationship instead of enjoying your friendship.
If you are reading this thinking… “yes to all of this”. Is walking on eggshells a red flag?
YES! A thousand times yes! Being overly cautious and concerned with the reaction a friend will have because of something you do or say constantly is a red flag!
But why do we allow this to happen? What do we fear? And is this what a toxic friendship looks like?
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We allow this to happen because the reality is that no one wants to truly hurt someone in their life. And so many people are full of empathy which makes it even tougher. There could be many reasons why a friend acts a certain way causing you to walk on eggshells. Even though it is a red flag, finding ways to communicate properly and setting boundaries is important and something we must do.
Setting Boundaries
How do you stop feeling like you are walking on eggshells? What can you do to set these boundaries?
First, recognize that this is happening. Understand the patterns, notice when or how this behavior is triggered. Once you can figure this out, it is time to stop acting like the hero. Stop trying to fix this person, stop trying to take responsibility for their actions and most of all stop feeling obligation and guilt in this relationship. Friendships are not supposed to be this way.
Communicate! If you cannot express how you truly feel and let them know how their behavior is making you feel then this allows this person to keep acting in this manner. Talk it out! If there is no change and accountability, detach yourself from this friendship because it is not a friendship worth having. Put yourself first, follow your feelings, gut and distance yourself. Not only will this give your freedom to be your true self again but it is not worth it when someone’s actions take a toll on your mental health and make you question who you are.
Be You
You are on this Earth to be unapologetically YOU! Changing who you are would be a tragedy!
Written By VCMC Contributor: Daniella Horne
